The Anti-Squash Manifesto
A Declaration of Culinary Independence
When in the course of culinary events, it becomes necessary for people to dissolve the bands which have connected them with squash, and to assume among the vegetables of the earth, the separate and equal station to which honest flavor entitles them, a decent respect to the opinions of taste buds requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.
We Hold These Truths to Be Self-Evident
That all vegetables are not created equal, and squash is demonstrably inferior.
That we are endowed with certain unalienable rights, among these are taste, texture, and the pursuit of vegetables that don't disappoint.
That when any vegetable becomes destructive of these ends, it is the right of diners to refuse it and to institute new dinner plates, laying their foundation on such vegetables as shall seem most likely to effect their satisfaction and happiness.
Our Grievances
The history of squash is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of absolute tyranny over autumn menus. To prove this, let facts be submitted to a candid world:
- Squash has refused assent to flavor, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.
- It has dissolved representative texture repeatedly, for opposing with manly firmness its invasions on the rights of decent mouthfeel.
- It has endeavored to prevent the population of good vegetables on dinner plates, obstructing the space for broccoli, Brussels sprouts, and other worthy contenders.
- It has made judges dependent on its will alone for the tenure of their approval at potlucks, forcing polite lies like "oh, it's interesting."
- It has erected a multitude of new recipes and sent forth swarms of food bloggers to harass our feeds with 47 variations of butternut squash soup.
- It has combined with farmers markets to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our taste preferences, giving assent to acts of pretended nutrition.
- For imposing bland mushiness on us without our consent.
- For depriving us, in many cases, of the benefits of actual comfort food.
- For transporting squash across state lines to be inflicted upon innocent restaurant menus.
- For taking away our appetite, abolishing our most valuable enjoyment of meals, and altering fundamentally the character of fall dining.
We Therefore Declare
We, therefore, the representatives of squash-haters everywhere, appealing to the supreme judge of taste for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the name and by the authority of discerning palates everywhere, solemnly publish and declare:
That we are, and of right ought to be, free and independent from squash obligations.
Our Commitments
We Will Not
- ✓ Pretend to enjoy squash for social harmony
- ✓ Take "just a small spoonful to try it"
- ✓ Accept squash as a valid pasta substitute
- ✓ Praise squash soup as "so seasonal"
- ✓ Pin squash recipes we'll never make
We Will
- ✓ Speak our truth at Thanksgiving
- ✓ Champion superior vegetables
- ✓ Support fellow squash-resisters
- ✓ Request menu modifications without shame
- ✓ Advocate for squash-free options
A Call to Arms (Forks)
This manifesto is not a call for violence against squash (that would be wasteful - it's already dead). Rather, it is a call for honesty. A call for courage. A call to stop nodding politely when someone says "I made butternut squash lasagna!"
Stand with us. Speak your truth. Say no to squash.
Signed this day by the united squash-haters of America and beyond