The Complete Case Against Squash
An evidence-based examination of why squash is objectively terrible.
Texture Crimes
Regardless of cooking method, squash inevitably becomes an indeterminate mush. Roasted? Mushy. Steamed? Mushier. Microwaved? You monster. And don't even get started on how it disintegrates into sad orange puddles when overcooked by even 30 seconds.
Spaghetti squash earns special dishonor here. Those strings aren't pasta. They're not even pasta-adjacent. They're wet, flavorless fibers that somehow manage to be both watery and dry simultaneously - a feat previously thought impossible in food science.
Squash has an uncanny ability to be 90% water while still managing to have a dry, mealy mouthfeel. It's the worst of both worlds - soggy AND chalky. This defies physics and good taste.
Flavor Failures
Bland by Default
Squash has the flavor profile of wet paper towels. Any taste you detect is coming from the butter, brown sugar, or existential despair you've added to make it palatable.
Vaguely Sweet?
That weird, non-committal sweetness isn't charming. It's confusing. Is it a vegetable? A dessert? Neither? The answer is disappointment.
Sauce Dependent
A vegetable that requires gravy, maple syrup, or brown butter to be remotely edible has failed as a vegetable. Full stop.
False Advertising
Butternut squash contains no butter. Acorn squash tastes nothing like acorns (not that you'd want that). The naming is as deceptive as the flavor.
Cultural Grievances
The Fall Menu Invasion
Every September, restaurants collectively decide to put squash in everything. Squash soup. Squash ravioli. Squash risotto. Squash pizza. As if adding it to pasta will somehow transform its fundamental mediocrity.
Thanksgiving Tyranny
That bowl of squash casserole with the suspicious marshmallow topping? Nobody wants it. Everyone pretends to take a spoonful out of politeness. It returns to the kitchen 95% full. This happens every year. Learn the lesson.
The Salad Saboteur
Roasted squash cubes on salads are the ultimate betrayal. You think you're getting a fresh, crisp salad, and then you bite into a lukewarm, mushy cube that makes you question the entire meal.
Practical Problems
Impossible to Cut
Butternut squash is harder than concrete. You need a cleaver, upper body strength, and a prayer. Many have lost fingers. For what? Mush.
Seeds Everywhere
The seed cavity is a slimy, stringy nightmare. Getting them out is like performing surgery on something that doesn't deserve to live.
Takes Forever to Cook
45 minutes to roast. For something that tastes like nothing. You could make actual good food in that time. The opportunity cost is astronomical.
Weird Hand Residue
Peeling butternut squash leaves your hands feeling dry and weird for hours. Some say it's the enzymes. I say it's the squash trying to make you suffer.
The Verdict
Squash fails on texture, flavor, cultural relevance, and practicality. It wastes time, ruins meals, and occupies valuable real estate on dinner plates that could go to literally any other vegetable. The prosecution rests.